Post Stroke Emotional Recovery: Depression

I have started to notice that right after a few months I had a Stroke  I am just being short-tempered, I curse a lot I was very impatient. I think I had all different emotions during the early stage of my recovery and challenges I had, not only me but my wife as well i. I experienced Depression, I never knew what depression was? I never experienced it. I thought it was the lowest point of my life. I was really hopeless, there were so many questions in my mind, one of which was “Why Me?”. Maybe, there was a point when you asked this Question to yourself especially when you’re alone. When I started questioning myself, then answers start pouring me, like If I had only taken care of myself and If I only did not abuse myself, If I had only taken my medicines on time, this should have never happened to me, I should be enjoying this and that.

The next question I had was, “When”.

When will I recover?

When  will I start walking?

When can I go back to work?

When the stroke hit me, I just got hired and was working as a Technical Trainer in IT. I was in my fourth month and I was just so thankful that my manager was very generous to extend my probationary period and I was regularized by the company, I didn’t last long but I had to quit my job since it was draining my strength, fatigue and I always really feel sleepy. Felt like I’m always tired. Like, I joined the Iron Man Challenge.

The pressure was there and my health could no longer keep up with the challenges. My mind still says go on! but my body is telling me to stop and take a rest. there were days that I felt so drained feeling tired. I really couldn’t explain my feelings. But I still had to come to work because I have a family to feed.

Giving up was never an option and has been my personality to continue what I was doing until I reached what I wanted.

Unfortunately, I had to choose between my health over employment(my job). Because my performance in the office is being affected by my health. I had to quit my job which was really one of the toughest decisions I had to make.

I remember…

One of my colleagues advised me to take care of my health first and was advised that I can always, look for a better job that suits my health, once I regain my strength back,  and Health is Everything.

What’s the sense of making money if your health is at Risk? It is like, you are saving up for the hospital bills.

What he told me was:

A job is like a Ball that when you drop it , it’ll bounce back and you can always have it back and on the other hand, health is like a crystal ball that when you drop it  and when hit the floor, it’ll be damaged and crack open and might not be repaired and might be your end.”

Let’s prioritize our health as much as possible because no matter how much we make from our employment or business. It  will all be all be useless because we won’t be enjoying it in the end.

Health is Wealth.

I hope that makes sense to you.

Just like any other post-stroke survivor, I had to go through stages of Grief like Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Let me share you about these:





    Denial

I was in shock, did this really happen to me? I wasn’t ready to handle my situation. Didn’t know where and how to start? I had this difficulty admitting and believing the reality that this happened to me.

  Anger

For me, at the beginning, it was always “Why me?”.  Not sure how to express myself, Small things I irritate me and cursing have been my exit point. It was very uncomfortable when I see people looking at me as I was not used to it.

Bargaining

First I thought, I could speed up the process of healing. Like if I dedicated myself to doing this then I should be able to do this, I did not realize that it takes time to heal.

Depression

I always wanted to be alone, didn’t wanna talk to people, didn’t want people to see my condition.  Had no appetite.

My bed has been my friend and sleeping was my activity. I was sad and hate thinking about my disabilities.

That made me think to end my life because I’m now being useless, worthless. But if I come to think, despite my situations, I still have my family who supports and understands me.

Each day for me is very stressful.

Acceptance

The last stage where the healing starts. That everything starts with you where you’ll be happier and starts to appreciate and understand things.

I thought that I am lucky that I am still alive that I am composing this blog, sharing with you my experiences. That my family still has me.Lucky to be given a second chance.Chill.






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Julius Balneg
 

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